Relationship Blog

If you’ve been lucky, you and your partner were blissed with a period of euphoria when first meeting, falling and being in love, called limerence. The nature and longevity of these intense feelings are determined by biopsychological processes outside our control and last between a couple of weeks to two years.

If there is no transition to an active romantic maintenance stage, couples may fall into a period of romantic torpor, also referred to as Roommate Phase/Syndrome and Silent Emotional Divorce.

Natural rhythm

Whether you have enjoyed a limerence stage or not, most couples experience a waxing and waning of romantic feelings and behaviour, especially after many years together. If no action is taken, this affective oscillation can lead to a steady period of the Roommate Syndrome.

Although a common development, it is not unavoidable. Some couples have learned to avoid large swings in emotional connection. In my practice, I help couples to learn these skills and tailor their adaptation to the unique characteristics of their relationship, a therapy module called the Art of Love.

The outcome if no action is taken is less rosy. One study found that 15% of married couples had not had sex in the last six months with an increasing sexlessness with age. Estimates of unhappiness in relationships range from 5% to 60% which together with a divorce rate around 50% (cross-culturally in the Western world) suggest that relationship dissatisfaction is very common. Many of these dissatisfied couples who remain in the relationship and on friendly terms suffer from the Roommate Syndrome.

Help is here

Thus, the Roommate Syndrome is common but with action many couples can overcome it. The success rates of research-based Couples Therapies range from 50% to 75%. Contact me to discuss how I can help you, without any need to commit therapy.

Large scale studies have found that these disputes are not only common in general but they are also predictable of relationship happiness and the longevity of the relationship. A Pew Research Center Survey of American Adults found that 62% of respondents considered “sharing household chores” important for a successful marriage. This was well above the importance of shared interests, tastes and religious beliefs, and starting a family. A number of studies have suggested that highly unequal division of housework increases the risk of separation.

A reason household conflict is so important and difficult to overcome is that we all enter a relationship with strongly held views of how these chores should be shared based on our experiences in our family of origin and previous relationships. Such views are very difficult to shift as they seem obvious to us and maintained by a phenomenon called consensus bias. In addition, it is often impossible to avoid daily triggers of an unsatisfactory arrangement. As a result, we often suffer in silence or voice our dissatisfaction leading to the same and repeated quarrels.

A search of the self-help literature reveals a range of remedies, such as creating a long list of household tasks as a basis for deciding on formal schedules of division of labour. For some couples some of these methods can be very helpful, but for others they are too formulaic and inflexible. Couples often struggle to agree on the importance, the required time and effort of the different tasks, and how the tasks relate to other responsibilities, such as paid work. Some studies have suggested that an equal share of housework is associated with a higher relationship satisfaction and lower likelihood of separation. Other studies, however, found that it is the perception of the overall fairness of division of labour that determines satisfaction of the arrangement.

In my clinical experience, progress in overcoming the problem will only start when each partner refrains from blaming and trying to change the other. When this is established, the couple needs to devote enough time to reach a deep understanding of each other’s beliefs, emotions, wishes and everyday general stressors, before discussing how to solve the problem together.

If it the matter remains unresolved, Couples Therapy can be a relationship saver. Therapy will train you in the psychology of collaboration, negotiation and new habit forming, and adapt it to your individual needs and wishes.

It is important to keep in mind that anger in itself does not mean that there is something wrong with a person or that they are bad. No one is immune from feelings of anger from time to time. Their expression is normal and has many adaptive functions such as responding to threat and signalling dissatisfaction. Like all other feelings, anger emerges involuntarily and manifests itself for a multitude of possible reasons, including stress, burn-out, feeling unsafe/unloved or under attack, physical or emotional pain, noise, insomnia, depression, anxiety, hormonal imbalances and physical illness.

Although we are not responsible for the initial emergence of angry feelings, no matter what the causes are, we can learn to manage its outward expression and development when triggered. We can also find ways to weaken the triggering mechanisms and avoid the triggers if possible. Thus the good news is that whatever the makeup of our natural temperament, there are powerful things we can do to rein in the tendencies to act out and lessen the impact on others.

If anger affects your relationship, a Couples Therapist trained in anger management can be very helpful. Dr Ryden at the Bath Couples Therapy Practice has undergone this training.

Treating unhelpful expressions of anger within the relationship as a common enemy rather than as somebody's fault can be a very effective way to start this work. The couple therapy setting is also helpful when working through and healing past events that may be associated with the anger. Please bear in mind that if anger is connected with past or present harm or physical danger, Couples Therapy is counter indicated and it is best for both of you to seek help from your GP or other relevant support agency.